I have never been good at knowing when to quit. I am someone who is constantly in their brain about working because on days that I am not, I don't usually feel good about myself. If I could start a project and not stop working until it was finished, I would. The project would be terrible, but it would be done and I would feel better. Unfinished work manifests as a nagging anxiety in my brain. Why isn't it done? I need to work on that. I'm so far behind.
Consequentially and perhaps unsurprisingly, my burnout rate is quite high. Up until last year, my hard drive was littered with unfinished project after unfinished project. Shorts, features, pilots, all of the above. Stopped on page 42 or 17. In the middle of an argument or a slugline. Unsure where they were going next. The self worth I have (unhealthily) tied to my work was not very high because the standards I set for myself I did not know how to reach them. I would set a goal, fail to reach it, then hate myself for not reaching it. Repeat.
Ignoring all of this quarantining, I have decided to dedicate this month to something other than a writing, directing, or editing project for the first time since December 2018. It feels strange, in part because in my mind stopping = death. I am not stopping altogether- I still have this blog, and I still have some work training I have to do, but for the most part, the writing and the editing and the directing are on hold. I am exhausted and my brain, at the very thought of actually trying to outline something new, seems to seize and shut down. Writing takes a great deal of focus from me. Using that focus for things in my personal life feels a bit more important right now.
More than that, when jumping into a new project, I want to give it everything I have. And right now, that isn't a lot. I need to recharge, fill my brain with different ideas, think about the weird and arbitrary physics of wiffleballs for a while. Because the work is always there. That's the best part about it. I am always running towards some imaginary finish line or broad idea of success and the reality is that there is no finish line. There's only the work. You can do it every day until your brain bleeds, or you can take breathers when you need them. And right now, I'm taking a breather.
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