I wanted to make my first feature by age 26. That's what all my teenage heroes did. Your Christopher Nolan's, your Paul Thomas Anderson's. Nevermind that I didn't know what to write about or how to operate on set or how to exist in the world. I was going to make a feature by the time I turned 26. Reality be damned.
Thank god I didn't. The cliché about your 20's being a mess was, of course, true. They were a mess, I learned a lot, yada yada yada. But something that I've come to believe in as I've continued on my journey as a filmmaker is that it's more important to know what you want to say and why than to say something because you feel like you have to. Which is to say that the idea of making a feature before I turned 26 was always going to be bullshit. With AI emerging as a primary issue of the Writers Strike, it seems pertinent to note that what writers do- and what all artists offer- isn't just a formulated script. It's their perspective. Honed and developed over years of trying and failing and learning. Sharpened to a fine point by countless hours of practice. To be an artist is to speak to the present moment, to your lifetime, to future generations. It's planting a flag for others to find along their own journeys.
I didn't know that when I was an 18 year old punk reblogging Drive gifs. I didn't know it when I was a 23 year old turning up my nose at anyone not aware of the latest indie films. I still did not know it when I was a 28 year old just starting to write features for the first time. I'm turning 30 and I would argue that I somehow know it even less than I did when I was 18. Time's funny like that. The more you learn, the less you know anything, etc.
In truth, I didn't start seriously pursuing writing and directing until I was 25. I had always written scripts and I had directed little things here and there. But I got waylaid by the things most people deal with in their 20's. I didn't know what I wanted to do or why. I didn't know what I would do with the scripts I'd spent so much time tinkering with. I just knew I liked doing it. One day I just decided to commit. I was (and am) fortunate enough to have friends who helped me and encouraged me and believed in me. Slowly but surely I've figured things out. Almost five years on since I committed to doing this, I look back and I'm exceedingly proud of the growth I've experienced. Not just professionally, but as a person.
My 20's were when I developed my perspective. I haven't made a feature yet, but I know what I want that to look like. I know what I want it to be about. I know how I want to make it. I know how I want to make the projects that will come after it too. I've found the things I care about in the world and in my work. I've found myself as an artist. I can see not just tomorrow or next week, but the next decade. Mapped out and clear eyed. I'm looking forward to what it's going to be.
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